Taming Your Tots

I am delighted to have Andrea here with us as a guest author today.  About a year ago I was with her at my mothers home and I was speechless at how well her four young children behaved.  Not just with her but with each other.  I asked her specifically how she instilled that in them and I will never forget her response, “I treat them the way I expect them to treat each other, If I yell and scream at them, I can see that reflected in how they behave with one another”. So simple, yet so true.  Today she is going to share a few ideas she has employed to help bring calm to her household.  Enjoy!

In the serene days before I had kids, I remember waiting in a grocery store line behind a woman with three rambunctious, whiny, and quite unmanageable children. You know the scene – a preschooler excitedly tossing bubble gum in with Mom’s broccoli and wheat bread while his toddler sister is melting in her distraught mother’s arms (apparently its nap time). And don’t forget the baby, the one in the front of the cart who has mastered the trick of slipping away from the buckle and threatens to dive head first into the concrete floor any moment. All the while, Mom is making a valiant attempt to get the groceries out of the cart as quickly as she can while giving in to the gum, scolding the flailing child, and ignoring her little Houdini.

I said to myself, (and I know I’m not alone in this), “my children will never behave like that.”

And then I had a few little darlings of my own – four to be exact – and oh, how little I knew! I learned quickly that the terror of a trip to the grocery store is a mere glimpse of the anarchy children can cause. I was ill-prepared for the feisty scream of a hungry three month old and am still taken aback with my eleven year old’s carefully plotted schemes and rages of temper toward his younger siblings. And yet somehow, we make it through each day alive. I thought I would share with you some of the secrets of my ever-maturing success with taming my darling monsters, (and maintaining my sanity).

Early on, I developed a strategy which helped my shopping trips by leaps and bounds, tackled many getting-along issues, and helped bring order to madness. The strategy came about largely because of a beautiful piece of advice passed on to me when I needed it most and wanted it least. Someone made the comment to me, (in the grocery store ironically enough), “It’s hard to act your age when your child is acting his.” My reaction was a bit stunned and quite frankly, a bit hurt. But as time went on, I grew to understand the woman’s brilliant words of geniality. They meant three simple things to me: I am an adult, I have been where my child is now, I must let me be me and him be him. This forced me into strategical planning in which I discovered love and the power of being proactive.

With Young Children (1-3)

• Though young children are particularly tricky, I’ll try to make this simple.

• DO plan ahead. Don’t make arrangements during nap time. Keep trips short.

• DO distract them. Your little one is only thinking of himself, and that’s okay, it’s part of his learning process. He cares more about what’s in his hands than what you have to get done. Make and keep a ‘go bag’ (see what this is below).

• DO be fair. Pick your battles and give in once in awhile, even if that means singing the blasted rainbow song yet again. Remember, when you give, your child learns to give.

• DO remember that even young children are watching and mimicking your every move.

• DON’T react harshly to tantrums. You are your baby’s security – his guide, not his nemesis.

With Preschool-aged children (3-5)

• This age can learn a routine and love to help.

• DO model self-control. When you yell, your child learns that yelling is okay. (My favorite example of this is a parent who screams at everyone to ‘stop screaming!’)

• DO provide entertainment. Make and keep a ‘go bag’ in your car, (see below).

• DO speak to your child in advance about where you’re going and what he can expect will happen. He may not be happy about something such as a trip to the dentist, but knowing in advance will keep him from feeling cheated and lashing out when you arrive.

• DO let your child have tantrums. Simply let him know that when he is done, you’ll be ready to talk. (Remember, don’t let his tantrums trigger one of your own.)

• DO make the punishment fit the crime. If your child flings his food, he will clean it up. If he throws a toy, he loses the toy. Time-out should be saved for an overwhelmed child who needs removal from the situation.

• DON’T over-expect. Children this age are easily overwhelmed.

With older kids (5- )

• Too old for time-out, too young to move out, these kids are learning the ropes of life.

• DO give them tasks. Chores at home, a list of items they need to find while you’re shopping, planning a family activity, etc.

• DO listen. Be the one your child can confide in, remember you are his security in a not-so-secure world.

• DO be clear about what you expect. “Be polite and look for a way you can help the sitter,” is more defined than, “Be good”.

• DO keep your end of the bargain. If you make a promise, keep it. If you threaten a consequence, follow through.
• DON’T make the mistake of thinking kids this age need less of your attention than young children. At thirty, I still need the a ttention and words of wisdom from my mother.

These are a few of the things which have worked best for me but I’d love to hear your fabulous ideas as well.

Go Bag: Fill an old diaper bag or book bag with age-appropriate games, books, treats, music, gadgets, crafts, cards, snugglies, or whatever your child prefers. Keep this bag in the car or out of sight and only use it in times of need, otherwise your precious darlings will get tired of it too soon. The dollar store often has many fun items if the ones around your house have worn out their excitement.